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26 December 2009 @ 12:46 am
all the sounds, the rollicking ocean waves.

i think of the sea, of my dark-haired northern girl on the rocks at the sea shore. fairy tales can be easily lost, but she is my mermaid. i think of her smile, the quirk of her lip. she is the rocks, and i am the seafoam to be dashed against the rocks. i pray nightly that she keeps her soul.

she will, though, because she is good and pure and the match for my kindling. like all men before me, i want to corrupt slightly. i want to give her new things to try, but i refrain for the fear of making her like me. instead i fly to the future,

and the southern spring, god, did i live a week of my spring with the brambles tearing out the seams of my jeans and we tumbled through the interstates and rural highways, and i fell in love a hundred times and harder. i ate berries from the side of the road, oranges from rest stops and the orchards that sprout all through that southern state.

we laugh into the dashboard, loud and hysterical, because we all get to that state of having so little left to save. the sun dissolves my sins and turns their darkness into tan. i soak up absolution like a sponge.


i dream of your
hospital room, white
walls, green
sheets and your shallow breathing

i reach out the window
pluck the fruit from the sky
like a mother
bird, i chew it up
for you, like i've done
a hundred times
31 August 2009 @ 10:47 pm
"head down towards kansas -
we will get there when we get there,
don't you worry.

feel bad about the things we do
along the way,
but not really that bad.

we inhaled the frozen air.
lord send me a mechanic,
if i'm not beyond repair."

- the mountain goats, "psalms 40:2"

the new mountain goats album leaked today. i'd like to think i'm among the first few hundred people to hear it; i am fairly sure i could probably claim to be in the first 150. it only leaked today, after all. there was a moment of moral dilemma about whether or not to listen to it. but the fact is, i'm going to do my damnedest to preorder the vinyl on amazon ASAP.

it's a beautiful album. it's powerful like a quiet car, traversing some serious distance. i won't - can't - say more.

lately, i seem to have lost the people i used to know; when the ball is left in their court, play stops completely. i'm beginning to be okay with that. i don't need more misery than i manufacture inside my own head.

i have begun work on a series of poems (maybe the series will at some point include prose, but it is poetry for now) called "divorce poems". the narrator is a man between 28-40. he is, predictably, a bitter divorcee. it stems from my love of the Mountain Goats, and my absolute inability to write music. i'm working on the editing and polishing of "braids OR divorce poem III". the title is a work in progress. here is the poem, as it stands now.

braids OR divorce poem III

i used to
braid your hair
every morning before work,

water from the shower
in the small of your back,
making the white sheets
less opaque.

your hair,
my fingers working
it into neat french plaits.

you'd let your hair down
when you came home,
for me alone to see.

i should have sensed
the trouble starting when

           you let your hair down
           at parties,
           and it wasn't mine alone
           (i am sorry
           i am a jealous man)

           the sheets changed to cream,
           then blue,
           then green, red, brown -
           and then didn't change at all.
           (i am sorry
           i didn't change them myself)

i should have sensed
the trouble starting
when it stopped
being about me
braiding your hair
and became about
upbraiding me.
27 August 2009 @ 02:06 am
losing touch is just one of those things, and i suppose we all do it.
06 August 2009 @ 03:07 am
i feel like
your knee-high
wool socks

i kiss your toes
cling to your calves
keep you warm
when your feet are cold

i feel like
your knee-high
wool socks

but it's summer.
06 August 2009 @ 02:34 am
myself sick
on the road
to another
four am
another night with
a silent phone

won't you call me

or don't you smoke
sick too?
02 August 2009 @ 01:10 pm
your hands map out
the rolling foothills
of my
rib cage
the mountains
of my
your teeth
leave trail
markers on my

i want to go
from your jawline
land on your chest
and lay a while

onward, brave
young traveler;
i won't give the map
to anyone
but you
07 July 2009 @ 09:43 pm
as per the usual, i'm behind on projects, but not too fussed. it's hard to be fussed about the little things when you can't even find the energy to worry about the big things because if you even start to think about them there'll be trouble all round.

lately i've been taking a lot of pictures of dead things. this is for two reasons. one, there are more dead things around to photograph. two, dead things are a lot more interesting to me than usual. sometimes, i halfway think i could smile into the mirror and see red lining my teeth. this is not, of course, the case as i don't eat raw meat (and i am not chewing up the insides of my cheeks quite that badly, although my lips are bruised and i haven't been kissing on anyone).

i'm thinking about embarking on a project wherein i glue objects to canvases. these objects will be things (or images of things) that people i am close to hold onto. each person would have their own canvas. feathers, rings, thread, playing cards, bits and pieces.

i've been smoking too much lately, sitting on the roof or outside. it's a sign of something. the weather is not as warm as it should be, but it isn't the winter, and i'm grateful for that.

four things i am grateful for today:

1 - dizzy
2 - children
3 - ice cream
4 - cigarettes

i think i'm walking closer to the rails than i previously realized.
27 June 2009 @ 12:07 am
  • 11:38 My last day as a teenager is off to a start with a very engaging waiting game. I suppose the last day should be like the other days. #
  • 13:39 Oh my lord i hate being late #
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26 June 2009 @ 12:07 am

  • 11:00 choosing songs to take pictures of the words from #

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24 June 2009 @ 12:07 am
  • 00:28 At any point in your life, utter, "this is what it comes to." Decide by emphasis what that means. #
  • 02:53 What do you want from me? What does anybody want from me? #
  • 15:08 urgh. my track record gets worse everyday. #
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